If you’re sexy and disabled clap your hands

This is a real awkward subject and I know it will probably make people uncomfortable but this is why I have a blog, right? To process the things I have a hard time saying out loud? I guess I would say if you are my father or a fatherly figure, maybe don’t read this. I don’t care but you might care.

I’ve been having a really hard time lately with the idea of feeling sexy. When you can’t smile or even really kiss, it’s hard to do anything that might be seen as sexy. I was putting my bra on the other day, clasping it what I would call “middle school style” – you know, where you put it around your waist, backwards, with the clasp in the front, so it’s easy to see and then you turn it around and put your arms through the straps – and I thought to myself “you know, it’s really hard to feel sexy when you’re putting your bra on like a 13 year old.”

I know that beauty is more than skin deep and blah blah blah, positive self image, fuck the patriarchy and all that, but I sort of believe that feeling sexy is a right and part of self-love. No matter what you look like, you need that opportunity to feel desirable. To put something on that you think makes you look good. I feel like if I were to put something on that was supposed to make me feel sexy, I would just feel silly.

There are many things that cancer has taken from me and I think this is one of the less-oft discussed things. I can see why, but it’s real and isn’t totally about looks or anything tangible. It’s a FEELING that’s hard to describe and hard to know how to access. Maybe the words “sexy” and “disabled” are oxymorons, but I don’t feel like they should be.

Man, I feel like a woman

The other day, I was emailing with someone I was meeting up with, and I had to say “Oh, I’m not sure if that will work, I’ll have to ask my husband.” I had to fight back the urge to say “my disability keeps me from driving, so I have to check with Will to see if he can take me.” because she already KNOWS all of that and I don’t have to explain myself to anyone! It definitely got me thinking, though. “Why did I have that urge?” The answer I came up with was gender.

I’ve thought and talked about identity before, but rarely in relation to gender identity. I think this is largely because I never felt that my identity as a woman kept me from doing anything. Sure, I knew (and know!) that women are paid less, even professional athletes, and that there are far fewer women in STEM than there should be, but PERSONALLY, I didn’t feel like my womanhood held me back (except in co-ed sports, but that’s a whole nother rant). That said, I often relied on both my stubbornness and strength (mental and physical) to prove that being a woman doesn’t make you lesser.

Having a disability puts me in a unique position. Having a disability and being a woman puts me in even more of a unique position. I have to ask for help, but I’m not helpless.

In some ways, women have been training their whole lives to be disabled. They are seen as fragile little creatures that need things DONE for them: open that door. Carry that heavy box.

I’ll never forget when we moved from Capitol Hill to Beacon Hill. Will hired movers because I was going through chemo and was useless (and because hiring movers is WORTH IT! Moving suuuuucks.) As these big men moved stuff, Will helped and I sat on the floor. They must have thought, “damn, this chick is lazy.”

Thus the urge to explain myself: No! I’m really super strong! And not lazy! I just have cancer! Partially I wanted to explain myself because I’m a strong, independent woman, and partially because I didn’t want to confirm what they already believed: that women are feeble and need big, strong men to carry boxes for them.

And maybe they didn’t believe that. Maybe they were raised well by strong women who made sure they knew that one does not represent the whole. Still, there are are so many out there that think being a woman makes you less capable, and they may say “Oh, that’s not true! I love women!” And they’re not lying, but the truth is that we live in a society that treats one gender as lesser than the other.

As a disabled person, I HAVE to ask for help. Part of why that’s hard is because of my stubborn independence, but another part is that I don’t want to be seen as just another helpless woman.