This is a real awkward subject and I know it will probably make people uncomfortable but this is why I have a blog, right? To process the things I have a hard time saying out loud? I guess I would say if you are my father or a fatherly figure, maybe don’t read this. I don’t care but you might care.
I’ve been having a really hard time lately with the idea of feeling sexy. When you can’t smile or even really kiss, it’s hard to do anything that might be seen as sexy. I was putting my bra on the other day, clasping it what I would call “middle school style” – you know, where you put it around your waist, backwards, with the clasp in the front, so it’s easy to see and then you turn it around and put your arms through the straps – and I thought to myself “you know, it’s really hard to feel sexy when you’re putting your bra on like a 13 year old.”
I know that beauty is more than skin deep and blah blah blah, positive self image, fuck the patriarchy and all that, but I sort of believe that feeling sexy is a right and part of self-love. No matter what you look like, you need that opportunity to feel desirable. To put something on that you think makes you look good. I feel like if I were to put something on that was supposed to make me feel sexy, I would just feel silly.
There are many things that cancer has taken from me and I think this is one of the less-oft discussed things. I can see why, but it’s real and isn’t totally about looks or anything tangible. It’s a FEELING that’s hard to describe and hard to know how to access. Maybe the words “sexy” and “disabled” are oxymorons, but I don’t feel like they should be.